Handle it

It has been an interesting couple months. New job, a beautiful woman that wants to be around me, a possibility of forclosure, and a possible new apartment viewing in a day. So many things happening at once, it blows me away. I am in a whirlwind of confusion. It's like being rolled by a wave when you get crushed. By it has lasted a few months. This is a new experience for me, so I am just trying to figure out how to deal with everything.

I hear the expression that this time it will be different. I like to believe it will but in 25 years I've seen everything nearly mirror everything else. I hold out hope, I dream, but i regularly end up being let down. Maybe I need to lower my expectations, no fuck that. I don't settle for easy. I seek difficult and trying. Bring it on

I know what I need to do. I know where I want to end up. My perseverence will show. Just keep focused and determined.

Letters of past love

To whom it may concern,

As I said in the past, I'll save you a seat at a cafe in Italy. If you ever get there, I'll have an espresso waiting.

What I want to say is how  I was and still am Immature. The only difference is that I have a direction now.

I know your family was a big factor in my decision making process, but I have grown to love your mom and kind of miss that big ole kennel of dogs you guys have.

I was not ready for anything that I promised you and I'm sorry I led you on for so long. All the motive behind being single was for self-fulfillment and lust. I guess it has been shown that lust can over power romance.

I regret my choices some days and praise them on others due to the fact that we are still finding ourselves. For example, the whole weed smoking deal. I lost interest over time, it just takes time for it to work itself out, development.

I can go on and on about hows school, your roommates...yada yada, but that's what texting is for, empty, well sometimes empty, messages.

Nobody can delete or backspace the written word.

I'm now just yammering on about nothing, but the thoughts can flow freely.

The first letter I drafted was more a proposition, which is why I felt it to be inappropriate. So now, just a letter apologizing and realizing my faults and missteps.

If, and only if, you were wondering, I am still single. I see everyone else with their boyfriends and girlfriends and I realize it would be great to have that someone for support, warmth, dependence, simple conversation, etc... I am not sad that I find myself alone, I just get that feeling of  "when will it be my turn."

I've never been the most reliable or loyal for that matter. I don't open myself to everyone, which I have determined to be a defense mechanism; detrimental sometimes, but not many people break that shell, so I guess it serves its purpose well.

I will end with saying that I am never going to ask you to leave your current significant other because that is the kind of person I am. I love to see others happy. It gives me hope, that those feeling between people still exist. No matter how rare, it still exists.

If you feel like replying, it is always great to hear from you.

Thomas McKay

"My life experience is minimal compared to some, but it is an experience that only I will ever understand."

The defeatist in you

It has been a long month. February of 2015 has beat me down and spit me back up again, begging me to give up all hope that any glimmer of light or hope will peak over the horizon. I recognize the struggles I have endured for the past few weeks and I know that these are not even close to the worst times that I will see. The ever growing landscape that I can picture as my future is and has come to a grinding halt, but that does not mean that hope has been abandoned. Even in the most trying of times, there is hope. If these minor speed bumps can throw a metaphoric wrench in the gears, what else is out there that can derail the machine that is my life, goals, and ambitions? I am sure there is an ever looming tidal wave of trials and tribulations that will be faced in the near future and distant future, but that will not stop me from pursuing what I see as the light at the end of the tunnel. There will never be an end to my growth and development, there is not an end goal that I am hoping to achieve, but I know that even with all of these developmental mishaps and road blocks I will come out on top. I will be the one standing at the peak of my mountain, screaming out at the top of my lungs, there is nothing that will bring me to my knees, or what some might call, defeat. I am strong, I have been through hard times and seen others struggle in ways that can only be envisioned in nightmares. So to anyone that is feeling defeated or lost, just remember that there is always a green flash at sunset you just have to squint to behold it.

Always, there is a reason

I have always been told that idle hands do the devils work. This I can agree and attest too. Sitting stagnant in the San Diego County town of Oceanside, I see the waves rolling in and the tide moving out. I have seen cloud cover turn to sun and then fade to evening stars, over the vast ocean. I have sat in a state of tranquility until this very moment I am explain. I have been a month and one half jobless, out of work, unemployed, whatever the most simply put way to convey I have not made money in this 45 day period of my life. This is not the usual and even though I find myself longing for more, activity, responsibility, what have you, I recognize that at this very moment I am internally changing. My chemistry and cognizance are in a state of disarray, and not because I am confused or have taken some mind altering substance, no but because of moving from a place of familiarity to a place unknown.

I spoke of the unknown in one of my "blogs" earlier in my life. I spoke of an unknown feeling towards an unknown situation. This is that exact situation I was describing, without knowing what I was talking about, because I had never been in this state before. I have the basic necessities that life requires of you: shelter, food, water, air. I am sensing that there is still something missing. Connection, trust, problems, solutions, rationale, infatuation, lust, moments of confusion, indescribable circumstances are other necessities of a human, because it makes an organ function, that otherwise is rather stagnant. Our livers, eyes, heart, stomach, colon, kidneys all function automatically and as long as you give those mechanical pieces the correct nourishment, they will continue working, without any thought being given to them. On the other hand, there is the brain. It is split into sections, ones that I am so utterly understudied in that I cannot even begin to list the pieces that complete the whole. I consider it in three pieces, ID, EGO, SUPEREGO.

The Id will function automatically and controls all the automated functions that operate freely without hesitation, while under proper care and maintenance.

The Ego and Superego are the parts that, left uninitiated, will begin to cease function. No you will not go brain dead, as we so often hear being said. These two integral pieces of the brain need constant exercise as well. Consistent nourishment, but not in a way as mentioned above. These parts of the brain need be challenged with complex emotions, logic, confusion, fright, connection, responsibility, and nature, to list a few.

Again I reiterate my current lull in existence, being stagnant not by force but by choice. I will not dare say I resemble being depressed, or emotionally unwell, I am just in a state of limbo that my brain cannot quite wrap itself around. (It is amusing that this is all being written by the brain in limbo.)

Find me a man with nothing to do, and I will bring to you a person ready for anything. Mentally prepared to face any challenge because of the insistent urge to do: to build, to identify, to understand, to mend, to mold, to touch, to embrace, to create art and concertos, to cry, to smile and have a reason to do it all.

Reason is why all of mankind, women, men and everything in between, can adapt and survive.

What is the reason to live? To be
What is the reason to die? For comfort
What is the reason to build? For shelter
What is the reason to eat? To nourish
What is the reason to think? To understand
What is the reason to explore? To attain knowledge

Maybe I am typing to hear myself think. Maybe in order to jump start it into a state that is not stagnation. Maybe for various other reasons, but again there is reasoning behind it. Always, there is a reason.

  

The Leyva

A friend approached me one day with an amazing idea and since that day we have been working on making it happen. It isn't the most difficult thing but dimensions and strength tests and designs are need to make it work. This time we've stumbled on gold. I've never been excited like this. Keep the momentum and rock out which ya cock out.

Thomas

The introduction

What an amazing time that 7 days was. Images burned into my memories forever. It was a magical time and I got to spend time with most of the people that hold the greatest amount of my heart. I've never thought as simple as going out of the country can change how you see and feel. Sure glad I got a passport.

"The water was glassy, similar to a mirror. The suns reflection burned my eyes but the tears were of happiness not pain. We sailed past lands end and towards the marina. As the ship entered the harbor a salty smell from The Sea of Cortez crept into my nose. A scent that brought back a rush of memories from the past. A smell that I knew, but that was unfamiliar. At that moment I knew I would not stop these expeditions.  It had become a part of me that I needed, and would long for until I traveled next."

What an experience. I was breathless and paralyzed at some times and others a wild beast lashing out against my bindings. My home is this earth. Just like a cat in a house. I must mark my territory and know every part of it.  

So it begins. 

Food to devour

I'm not vegan. I kill animals and eat them. But I tried something the other day that opened my eyes to a whole nuther way of thinking.

Chanterelles, Swiss chard, safflower oil, garlic, salt and pepper. 

Blew my mind. So good. Highly recommended.