Handle it

It has been an interesting couple months. New job, a beautiful woman that wants to be around me, a possibility of forclosure, and a possible new apartment viewing in a day. So many things happening at once, it blows me away. I am in a whirlwind of confusion. It's like being rolled by a wave when you get crushed. By it has lasted a few months. This is a new experience for me, so I am just trying to figure out how to deal with everything.

I hear the expression that this time it will be different. I like to believe it will but in 25 years I've seen everything nearly mirror everything else. I hold out hope, I dream, but i regularly end up being let down. Maybe I need to lower my expectations, no fuck that. I don't settle for easy. I seek difficult and trying. Bring it on

I know what I need to do. I know where I want to end up. My perseverence will show. Just keep focused and determined.

Letters of past love

To whom it may concern,

As I said in the past, I'll save you a seat at a cafe in Italy. If you ever get there, I'll have an espresso waiting.

What I want to say is how  I was and still am Immature. The only difference is that I have a direction now.

I know your family was a big factor in my decision making process, but I have grown to love your mom and kind of miss that big ole kennel of dogs you guys have.

I was not ready for anything that I promised you and I'm sorry I led you on for so long. All the motive behind being single was for self-fulfillment and lust. I guess it has been shown that lust can over power romance.

I regret my choices some days and praise them on others due to the fact that we are still finding ourselves. For example, the whole weed smoking deal. I lost interest over time, it just takes time for it to work itself out, development.

I can go on and on about hows school, your roommates...yada yada, but that's what texting is for, empty, well sometimes empty, messages.

Nobody can delete or backspace the written word.

I'm now just yammering on about nothing, but the thoughts can flow freely.

The first letter I drafted was more a proposition, which is why I felt it to be inappropriate. So now, just a letter apologizing and realizing my faults and missteps.

If, and only if, you were wondering, I am still single. I see everyone else with their boyfriends and girlfriends and I realize it would be great to have that someone for support, warmth, dependence, simple conversation, etc... I am not sad that I find myself alone, I just get that feeling of  "when will it be my turn."

I've never been the most reliable or loyal for that matter. I don't open myself to everyone, which I have determined to be a defense mechanism; detrimental sometimes, but not many people break that shell, so I guess it serves its purpose well.

I will end with saying that I am never going to ask you to leave your current significant other because that is the kind of person I am. I love to see others happy. It gives me hope, that those feeling between people still exist. No matter how rare, it still exists.

If you feel like replying, it is always great to hear from you.

Thomas McKay

"My life experience is minimal compared to some, but it is an experience that only I will ever understand."

The defeatist in you

It has been a long month. February of 2015 has beat me down and spit me back up again, begging me to give up all hope that any glimmer of light or hope will peak over the horizon. I recognize the struggles I have endured for the past few weeks and I know that these are not even close to the worst times that I will see. The ever growing landscape that I can picture as my future is and has come to a grinding halt, but that does not mean that hope has been abandoned. Even in the most trying of times, there is hope. If these minor speed bumps can throw a metaphoric wrench in the gears, what else is out there that can derail the machine that is my life, goals, and ambitions? I am sure there is an ever looming tidal wave of trials and tribulations that will be faced in the near future and distant future, but that will not stop me from pursuing what I see as the light at the end of the tunnel. There will never be an end to my growth and development, there is not an end goal that I am hoping to achieve, but I know that even with all of these developmental mishaps and road blocks I will come out on top. I will be the one standing at the peak of my mountain, screaming out at the top of my lungs, there is nothing that will bring me to my knees, or what some might call, defeat. I am strong, I have been through hard times and seen others struggle in ways that can only be envisioned in nightmares. So to anyone that is feeling defeated or lost, just remember that there is always a green flash at sunset you just have to squint to behold it.